Guest blogger: Victoria Tate

I have always been a “girls girl.” I was the only girl of EIGHT growing up and I constantly craved the companionship of other women. Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian because I really do prefer the company of women over men. (There are just some things men have that women don’t… if you catch my drift.) While I haven’t always had the best luck in romantic relationships over the years, I consider myself very lucky to almost always have had a lot of good, close girlfriends.

We’ve talked about how to make friends, but what are you supposed to do to nurture those relationships? Many people put a lot of work and effort into maintaining relationships with their family members or their significant others while neglecting their relationships with their girlfriends. I know so many women who break up with their boyfriends only to find that they lost all their friendships and that they’re lonely.

The fact is that no matter the dynamic, all relationships take work, and every thing worth having is worth working for.

One of the cool things about friendships is that you’re allowed to have as many friends as you want, unlike the traditional romantic relationship where you’re restricted to one individual. Everyone is different about the amount of friends they need to be fulfilled, but it is definitely important to remember that quality trumps quantity any day. Now, that doesn’t mean that there is any kind of special number you aren’t allowed to exceed for your relationships to be meaningful, but it is important to recognize and fulfill each of your friends individual needs. There are some people you have to maintain constant contact with to make them feel secure in their friendship, while there are other people who you can talk to twice a year and still feel a deep connection. Some people might say that the needy friendship is an unhealthy one, but I’m here to tell you that whatever works for you and that person isn’t anyone’s damn business. If you and your bff need to text all day everyday and that is what makes the two of you happy (or keeps you entertained through long work shifts ) then good for you!

The point is, if someone is important to you, then you should be willing to do the work to make them happy.

Another important aspect of nurturing friendships is making really good memories with the other person that you can reflect on. For example: birthdays have always been a big deal to me. I’m an extrovert and I like being the center of attention. I always say my birthday is my favorite holiday and I always make a big deal out of both mine and my friends birthdays alike. My friends know that I really want to spend my special day with them, my good friends make an effort to do so. I love having all my favorite people together in one place. This has resulted in a lot of laughs and good stories over the year.

An easy way to stay in tuned with your friends needs is by knowing and catering to their individual love language. I’m definitely not religious, but I could spend all day discussing how much I believe in the love languages. I’ll just give you a simple run down. There are five: gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch. None of them are right or wrong and everyone has their own. Do you have that friend that always picks up a cool souvenir for you when they’re on vacation? Their love language is probably gift giving. How about the friend that literally needs a shoulder to cry on when they’re upset? Theirs is probably physical touch. Mine are personally acts of service (I’ll do anything for you if I love you) and gift giving (I’m overly generous, especially when I’m drunk).

Everyone loves differently, and it’s important to be aware of how your friends give and receive love.

This will not only help you be a better friend, but it’ll help you be more understanding and forgiving if someone doesn’t quite show their feelings the same way as you.

Like I said before, friendships take work. Another and perhaps the most important way to build strong friendships is sometimes put your feeling aside and be really supportive. Now I’m not saying support all your friends decisions every time, but unless they’re seriously harming themselves or others the best way to help them is by minding your own business. When I was younger I got really involved with the bar scene and started dating a guy who really wasn’t good for me. I was drinking a lot, not sleeping, and losing a lot of weight. My friends were right to be worried, but their continuous berating both my lifestyle and the guy I was so “in love” with lead me to isolate them and lose those friendships; when he and I broke up I had no friends to lean on. I definitely learned my lesson of not valuing my friendships while in a relationship, but my point is that we all go through hard times. If your friend is doing something you disagree with, you have every right to tell them the way you feel, but they also have every right to not take your advice and possibly be angry with you for giving it. If your friend has any kind of common sense, they’re going to eventually do what’s right for them in the long run. Everyone who knows anything knows that what’s right isn’t always easy, and they’re going to need you there when they make those big decisions and have to deal with the consequences.

Being supportive also means being proud of your friends and celebrating their accomplishments.

If you truly love someone and want them to be happy, then you aren’t jealous when good things happen to them. And, if you are jealous, you definitely keep that to yourself and never let them find out. If your friend gets engaged or gets a promotion or something, let them know how excited and proud you are of them. Everyone, even the most proud or secure of us, needs validation.

In my life and my relationships, the most important aspect of my friends being supportive was simply being an ear when I needed one. When I was going through my deepest depths of depression, I had some friends who were there and never once made me feel like I was being whiny or complaining. No matter what your friend is going through and whether or not you fully understand it, you being there for them may be the key to them getting through their hard time. My four closest girlfriends all have this is common with one another. While we are all different in our levels of sensitivity and while some of us are more keen to express our feelings than others, they have definitely all been there for me during the best and worst times. Sometimes all it takes is a funny text when your friend is sad or taking them out to lunch when you know they’re lonely. If you call someone a friend, then they are definitely worth that amount of effort.

My girlfriends are my bliss. I can think of so many fun nights out, so many crazy vacations, so many drunken nights spent sobbing over failures and so many boyfriends who have come and gone in our lives.

You don’t pick your family, but you have the pleasure and the privilege of choosing your friendships.

Don’t underestimate their importance in your life and don’t take them for granted. You might find yourself without them when you need them the most.

Published April 14, 2016

http://www.victoria-tate.com/2016/04/nurturing-friendships/

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